between death and resurrection

050514 early this morning I was overwhelmed again with that fierce burning desire to know that God really Is and that there is a heaven and that one day we who are beloved will be reunited and that desire extended to being one of the beloved and rather humbled at knowing it all so profoundly depended on trust and faith and I fear perpetually whether I have it in me to be so loved among the beloved if there is a beloved...and that circle just kept spinning and I think I was trying to articulate that in an email to Miriam and I basically only got so far as clumsily and without much ability to communicate it set down the words “God to Be” but looking at the email now, that’s as much as I actually penned but what happened in my head was this spinning desire and pursuit of being and knowing and feeling and understanding and having this conflicting painful sense that I couldn’t know and nothing would ever be right again and all I wanted was for God to be and for me to be able to SEE God and KNOW God and have no doubt about it and swarming in the back of all that was that same sense of brief connection with the disciples in the room between death and resurrection and how frustrating it is to see such a horrific death and those images keep tormenting me out of the blue sometimes and this is what I see and this is what is blocking me from the internal seeing that there is Heaven and so none of that stuff matters any more if there is God and is Heaven then it’s forgiven and understood within a different context and it’s all okay but my soul was crying out that this is crazy—I can’t SEE God!  I can’t SEE heaven or SEE Dad and I can’t SEE what isn’t right here before my eyes!  This feeling tormented me beyond words which were not there to be articulated this morning, only the feelings and the longings and tears rained down my face and my nose started running—I was sitting right there on the sofa where I always sit and writing on the computer or so I thought and I looked to my right where my box of kleenex sits right beside me on the cushion and it wasn’t there, but it’s always there but it wasn’t so I looked behind the throw pillows because sometimes I throw it back there when it gets in my feet’s way when watching tv and it wasn’t there so I looked on the floor because sometimes I kick it off by accident and it wasn’t there, not on the end table either and my nose was now running down my upper lip and I mumbled some incoherent expletive about the kleenex box that had to be there because it was there last night, as I walk indignantly into the kitchen to the box that always sits on the counter by the sink and I blew my nose and went back to the sofa and sat down and right there beside my leg on the sofa right there where it always is was that box of kleenex.  Right there where I had looked for it and around it and everywhere and it was NOT there before.  It was NOT.  I looked for it right there and didn’t see it.    I was right there that whole time and looked everywhere around it. How could it possibly have been there all along when I did NOT see it???