Why are you so angry and afraid?

Accidents can happen...and they can be weird...and beautiful...catastrophic...and mythic. Three fates? Variation of Rublev's Trinity? Magic and mystery, sorcery and holiness, comedy and wisdom are all founded, sourced in the number three (as are past, present, future; beginning, middle, end). Fly Geyser in Nevada is the result of an accident---folks were digging a well in 1916. and this happened.

I had set today aside to go exploring...i simply need to hear myself think and, more importantly, feel. i have some questions (tools needed for digging) that don't have answers, perhaps, but that might provide lamp light to this current emotional path i have wandered onto. i hope to bring myself back into the balance of this listening to myself more intentionally, listening for and to the Voice i love.

so far this morning i chose to catch up on a few insights from Nadia Bolz-Weber. "Unable to pretend we are not in need," from October 1, was a providential place to start. Then "The Little Apocalypse: Superhero Showdown of Crumpled Time" carried even more of the ideas and questions buzzing my core (also a nod of recollection to T.S.Eliot---all time is eternally present; what has been and what will be are both perhaps contained in time present and time present contained in time past. that's from memory, don't hold me to word-for-word quotation, it's from Burnt Norton of the Four Quartets. looks like i'll have to dig that out, too).

took a break to eat some oatmeal and warm my cockles and everything else; i usually watch something specific on tv while i eat. yesterday i embarked on watching all of the eps of Doctor Who from the 12th Doctor (Capaldi)---another significant number in my realm of symbology. SO * MUCH * FUN to live in the open space of synchronicity. Anyway, i just happened to be up to the third, i believe, episode called, "Listen." Their adventure into the heart of listening to fear of the dark...it is a magnificent episode ("free" on Amazon Prime) and has opened a lovely TARDIS door into my own inner-exploration.

the episode is steeped in so many different ideas that resonate for me---particularly the dreaming. and i am reminded that listening to my own dreams will be as much an imperative part of this trek as anything else. i dream wild and crazy and significant stuff with story and images every single night. i have gone through phases of tracking those dreams and images; once again it is time to seriously take it on.

then when i opened the computer to get to the page upon which to begin writing today, the image of this Fly Geyser was the (i don't know the proper word for it) screen with the password window that has random images. this was the first time this image came up. i don't think it was this very image, but the image i did see clearly (and with romance in the composition of the shot) showed the three protrusions and i was immediately delighted by the sense of the Trinity Icon by Rublev as well as the mythology of the fates and so many stories involving three persons. and when i read just a smidgeon, it was too funny---digging a well, accidentally tapping into thermodynamic watchiedoo and creating this phenomenon in 1916 that still blows water today. Strikes me as a fair companion image.

i love synchronicity. magic and mystery of things that come together as you listen to the inside and outside of being. i always like to get started on a journey early so this was quite a prolific morning. it remains to be seen how faithful i will be to return to the well-spring hidden in my soul and imagination in the coming days.

it sounds schmaltzy to pose the question that i've typed and erased three times (yeah, i know--"three" again, but it's true) because asking this question in this platform sounds stupid ... the truth is i would go to each of you, my friends, and ask you face to face and facebook or this blog for all its cool advantages and possibilities doesn't really let that happen unless you "tag" someone so that's why a sincere and personal question on this platform can come off sounding kinda hokey. but i really do wish you'd also write and share what you're looking for in 2018. i'm listening.

may 2018 bring you many blessings and delightful surprises (even those that are cloaked in sorrow, loss or pain i hope will bring those unexpected joys)....

Eden is the place we leave

041117
(it's the running of my thoughts this morning...interesting it is also passover...just after seder...after the memory of wandering in the desert for 40 years...is that simply a metaphor for every life lived in the effort to puzzle out God's purpose for our being?)

Eden is the place we leave.  That’s the title of an episode from the third season of Ironside.  It struck me kinda like the theatrical “see your life flash before your eyes” sort of way just before death. Epiphany. Clarity. Suddenly. All the interpretation seared through from biblical to personal. Upon gaining knowledge the First Two left the garden. Theology says they disobeyed God and lost their privilege. Other interpretation says they broke trust with God and in order to protect them from their own stupidity and the inevitability of eating from the tree of life, they were evicted.

Now I see the parallel is that we simply grow out of the state of unknowing and as we realize what we didn’t know we already knew we learn that the transition itself is a kind of eviction from all that was and of course all that was is remembered as paradisaical compared to the challenges and disappointments of what is.  We long for the gardens of unknowing, or preknowing; the before. We can’t go back. The real travesty is that in breaking trust, we are condemned to linear time, to cause and effect, to the unreachable before to the dismal now.

Dismal only by comparison and the comparison made only because some of us lack imagination for some reason.  It’s easy for me to blame school and the dog because these two things distract and drain me.  I’m in some kind of weird cycle and instead of conjuring the effort to get out I am simply waiting for it to come to its natural end. It may not be the right strategy.

What if right now is some sort of Eden to the next phase which will bring other inconsolations or losses that I now know nothing about? All that I know to do to be healthy evades me in perpetual exhaustion and I just drop in a kind of collapse. Effort. Will. Ambition. Purpose. I have these drives at school but not at home. I love my house and my stories. I love Bubbi but I am not good for him and I can’t continue to live like this for long but I also can’t bear the permanence of linear reality that when he’s gone it’s forever.

They say, whoever they are, the faceless, nameless muses, say the only solution to this ennui is to be in the now. It’s a struggle and an effort to think of it. So thinking it isn’t the answer, being it is. Dropping the thinking that prevents being is really hard until it just happens. There’s the woman who speaks about collaborating with your mind ... she is right and it was helpful to hear; but ironically one must do something in order to be.

Turns out, knowing isn’t all that. Information age has rapidly deteriorated into the age of deception. Snake is ruling paradise. So much sounds true but reason for many of us keeps us...keeps us what, sane? Reeling? Hopeful? Terrified? Trapped? Even the most basic empirical evidence to the contrary doesn’t prevent the lies from destroying our world as we know it—presenting another source for the inevitable necessity to leave Eden....

I so appreciate the Dalai Lama’s attitude. Being banished from Eden means the world learns about a tranquil alternative life style and joyful attitude foreign to the insidious soul-destructive way of greed which so much “capitalism” has turned out to be.  Jesus, too, had this sense of weightless detachment from place, from Eden. Yet grieved openly for Jerusalem.

So as Eden is the place we leave...where are we headed? When will we arrive, where will we arrive, how will we know?

It catches in her throat.  Not just the burning scotch, but the memory.  Several, in fact.  They bludgeon each other for attention.  “Never say can’t!”—the perpetual belief her father lived and yet...his most difficult reality was coming to terms with what he couldn’t, by very slow degrees, continue to do.  Now here she was, so much younger by comparison, continuing not only to grieve but simultaneously to fight the conviction that she...just might...not...be able...to keep doing this.  The “this” was the fulfilling of her self-imposed demands to complete each detail of her work with excellence.  The kind of work that takes more than the hours allotted.  Insane expectations from all sides like spokes, like spears jettisoning into and out from her soul desire to be.

“Finish what you start,” her muse commanded.  “I can’t,” she didn’t say or whisper...but believed.  Damn the beliefs...like fish hooks in her heart or anchors holding her back.  Her father would have tried to encourage her to be better than that, to see farther than the horizon slapping up against the window; he would have understood, though.  He would have lamented with her...how difficult “never give up” really is.

Intimately the same...

Third memorial service in six weeks.  The three could not be more different in culture, age, and circumstance.  What they all have in common is how deeply the ones left here love the ones who have died.  The ones left here will never quite be the same.  The ones left here will feel the deep dark empty for a long time. The ones left here will be gratefully surprised by the outpouring of love from those who feel their loss with them.  The ones left here will be lost...will wander...will one day find the life in them to walk a new path with new hope and new life.

Amazing how vastly different but intimately the same we all are...

One memorial service was for a student who had only one semester left before graduating...he took his own life. Only child.  Son of a retired Detroit (Irish) police officer and Vietnamese mother. Service held at the Sailing Club Marina---soooo many kids and the stories at the mic went on and on and the afternoon was gorgeous, and the water was beautiful and his boat was up by the platform.

Second service was for a 16 year old hispanic girl who suddenly dropped from an aneurysm...so full of life and love...plans for the future...JROTC...her boyfriend is one of the nicest young gentlemen you will ever meet---he is my student.  The service was in a dominantly Hispanic Catholic church packed to the gills with people in the chapel close circuit tv (and this is not a small church), along the sides and in the narthex...packed full...lovely service.

Third service was for the husband of a good friend in his 60s who had cancer riddling his body, taking his life slowly the last year or more.  Held traditionally in the United Methodist Church---very intimate and formal with a minister who spoke well of him.  Lovely family, close community.  He was a collector and lover of classic cars and the parking lot was filled with them---they are so very beautiful and it was touching to see so many of his friends come and bring their classics in honor of him.

the story will save you

there are still people who believe that the marches are all and only about women...there are definitely people who believe the marches were about "trump haters"...so i know that there are people who still do not get what is actually happening to all of us.

one minute i'm hopeful that in speaking out, we may be heard...

the next minute i wonder if i have enough scotch to last the night...

then...somewhere in a quiet moment i'll remember this is nothing new throughout history...people speak and no one is listening. the people speaking are trying to include everyone but the people they're speaking for and to are not listening. couple thousand years ago there was this guy who didn't even have a residential address---all he did was walk from city to city and tell stories and talk to people and lead them to healing (the ones who would let him), who were listening. hey, it's like this people, you have the power to love each other and be there for one another no matter what. life is hard---help each other out. follow me... there is poverty and sickness and evil in the world but you have a better way...me...just be there, speak up, love each other. that's all he really said. and they crucified him.

i'm not saying any of us is the messiah or the sum of all who are speaking out are the messiah, i'm just saying a precedent was set long ago so that we can see that we're not the first to be mocked and misunderstood and marginalized. or worse.

just don't give up. one step at a time. be here. stand up. stand together. all of us now have a common threat, a common concern... keep telling the story...the story will save you. it will.

and here's the thing...they crucified him. but that is not the end of the story. there is life after death. there is. we are more than the suffering and affliction we endure. there is hope that following Life, there will be life...following Love there will be love... sometimes it's very hard to believe when you're suffering or losing or hated or misunderstood or bullied or abused or attacked or raped or ignored. believing is a better choice, though. choose life. choose love. the story will save you---this is not the end of the story.

i wish you had waited...

i just wish you would have waited.
i wish you had given someone the chance to tell you that you are awesome---JUST the way you are.
i wish you could have understood that to be different is simply to be unique and you are loved and celebrated for that very thing.
i wish you had known that being seventeen is horrifying and terrifying and it passes...you get through it...there's more....really...
i wish you could have believed how dearly you are loved...
i wish you could hear the truth that none of it matters in the end---the it that you were so afraid of or resisted or believed was reprehensible...
i wish you had known that everyone feels outside, different, not good enough...
i wish you had heard in your heart of hearts that it's okay to be different from what you believe everyone expects...
i wish you could have understood that it is so perfectly normal to want to put to death that which is tormenting you, all that seemed to be demanding of you what you could not give.
i wish you were still here to see that it will get better...that everyone wishes they were a little more like you---easy going, more apt to ENJOY the moment, less likely to compete...
i wish you would have waited...targeted what caused you pain...recognized that you are not the pain, you are not the disappointment, you are not the problem...
we need your sense of humor, antics, easy going, laid back, care free, pace of a different drummer....
i wish you had waited...i wish i had seen you or heard you or known what you were thinking...believing...choosing.

On wanting Trump to Fail...

"Why, as Americans, would we want our president to fail?" Been thinking a lot about that question which was commented on my post on facebook last night. I say all that follows without rage, hate or invective language. I am not loyal to a party, I simply fear for our future. But, yes, I would like to see him fail. First, I would like to see him fail to be inaugurated as president. But if he is, I would like to see him fail at:

* creating any more precedent for disregarding the rule of law
* kicking out foreigners
* robbing us further of our social security
*...and access to affordable public health
* normalizing brutality—beginning with speaking
* making it okay to make fun of people with disabilities
* objectifying women any further—in words, deeds (from groping to rape), diminishing their contributions to society in any way
* lowering the minimum wage
* denigrating war heroes and any other American who has taken a stand against injustice
* criminalizing LGBTQ community or denying their rights as equal human beings under the law
* vilifying anyone engaged in artistic or political expression
* normalizing racism
* denying anyone the right to speak freely especially in regard to philosophy, self-expression, speaking out against or holding accountable government officials
* destroying public education
* redefining or redirecting the moral compass
* lining his personal pockets with financial gain at our expense and his conflicts of interest
* getting away with lying about himself, his business practices, his taxes, his lucrative connections with foreign powers
* setting a precedence for bullying and intimidation as the way to get what you want
* increasing our financial burden with his unethical business practices
* demanding profit be the only determining factor in any decision (personal or corporate)
* further weakening trust in our government with nepotism
* denying the truth/facts in any form–personal or global
* breaking the law and getting away with it
* putting us further in harm’s way with a hair-trigger temper and irrational reactions
* legitimizing fabrication
* continuing to con people into believing his rudeness and irrationality are “telling it like it is”
* giving more of our power as a nation to Putin or any other foreign power
* instilling fear instead of hope
* perpetuating hate
* getting away with being sworn in to represent us, rule over us, project his image as ours and breaking our spirit